Yesterday when I got home from work, there was a package of Similac on my back porch. I thought....Is this a joke? When I got inside I checked the mail. There were three bills from Roman's birth and a thinking of you card from a friend. I opened all the bills and the words on one of the bills just seemed to stand out in bold. Newborn resuscitation. CPR. Critical care. It seemed as if all the horror and memory of his death came rushing back!
Although I do not have as many crying spells as the last time, I have thinking spells. I wonder how I should act around the many women I have to interract with that are pregnant. I want to be happy for them but can't help wondering why they all seem to have carefree pregnancies and I never know if I should even prepare to bring a baby home. My whole life has to stop and still nothing!
I think my husband gets a little irritated when I complain about my weight. A good friend of mine said it perfectly. This sucks! Not only did I have to sit in a chair or bed for three months, but I had to stop working, depend on other people for just about everything, have major surgery, gain a ton of weight, lose my chid, and then have to suck it up and be ok for everyone else! I should be happy because I just had a baby right? The weight shouldn't even bother me! Whatever!
Last weekend a friend of my family put together a benefit dinner. I was so embarassed but grateful she wanted to help. I kept thinking what other people would say. We aren't poor. I'm not dying. I have two living children that are ok. I felt undeserving and unsure of what to do with the money even when I got it. Well, we got it and then within the next few days, reality hit. We are behind over $1000 on the mortgage, the hospital and doctor bills for me and Roman are thousands of dollars, and the headstone I want to purchase is about $400 in addition to a fee of about $100 to place at his gravesite. Now I really don't know what to do with the donation! Any way I apply it still leaves a tremendous balance!
