I am surprised at how I have been able to hold it together. I'm not sure if that is because I am stronger this time or it really hasn't hit me. One thing I am trying not to do is become bitter at other people who are pregnant or who have babies. I want to be happy for them and rejoice with them at the safe arrival of their child.
Yesterday was my first day back at church since it all happened. I didn't want to go and be an emotional wreck, crying at every hug. Instead, I kept a smile, thanked everyone for their concern, and made it through the service with only one or two tears. The question is, can I keep this up? I wanted to show that although I am hurting, I still have faith in God. Although this time the answer to our prayers didn't turn out the way we wanted, I realize it is for my good and ultimately for His glory! My response to this crisis reflects my relationship with God. I am waiting for God's direction on what He wants me to do.
I go to the doctor today. I have lots of questions to ask my doctor. The main question is if I can physically try again. I still know the rest is up to God.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
A Dream Unfulfilled
Ever since I met my husband I've wanted to have his child. Although we've had our differences in discipline choices and handling situations, I see that he truly desires to be, and is a good father. He didn't even hesitate to start caring for my two children. He treats them as if they were his own and doesn't ask questions or hinder their biological father from visiting. He wants them to succeed and does everything in his power to make sure they have the best of everything. He provides for all of us unselfishly.
I look back on my life and remember how hard it was to raise my two children at such a young age. I had the help of my family, but wanted so bad for their father to be a part of it. I wanted a family! I've always wanted to experience the fairy tale pregnancy where the father and both our families were excited about the coming child! I wanted the father to touch my growing stomach and talk to the baby. I wanted him to be concerned for my health and things that could harm the baby.
I often envision us decorating the nursery and what it would be like the first day we bring baby home. I want to share all the joys, sorrows, and frustrations of parenting a baby. There are so many experiences from having my first two that I want him to experience with me. With each loss, the void in my heart grows larger. Sometimes it seems as if this dream will never come true.
We haven't given up on having our own child, but we are considering adoption. In the event we are unable to have our own, we can give our love to a child who needs us. Of course I have to consider what God's will is for our lives. I know He knows my heart, but He also knows best.
I look back on my life and remember how hard it was to raise my two children at such a young age. I had the help of my family, but wanted so bad for their father to be a part of it. I wanted a family! I've always wanted to experience the fairy tale pregnancy where the father and both our families were excited about the coming child! I wanted the father to touch my growing stomach and talk to the baby. I wanted him to be concerned for my health and things that could harm the baby.
I often envision us decorating the nursery and what it would be like the first day we bring baby home. I want to share all the joys, sorrows, and frustrations of parenting a baby. There are so many experiences from having my first two that I want him to experience with me. With each loss, the void in my heart grows larger. Sometimes it seems as if this dream will never come true.
We haven't given up on having our own child, but we are considering adoption. In the event we are unable to have our own, we can give our love to a child who needs us. Of course I have to consider what God's will is for our lives. I know He knows my heart, but He also knows best.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Need Direction
Last week, a friend of mine gave me a book called 'Pivotal Praying' by John Hull & Tim Elmore. At first I thought, I don't want to read another self help book! I was angry at God and didn't understand why this happend again. It is funny how the very thing that don't we feel we don't need, ends up being the biggest help. The book has helped tremendously. It talks about learning how to pray and what to say when situations don't turn out the way we want or when tragedy strikes. I highly recommend this book!
I am still struggling with direction. I am seeking God in knowing what to do next. What do I need to learn from all of this? What is the next step? I'm sure you all know that I desperately want to have another child. I want to know if this is what He has for me? I really am trying not to dwell on it. I guess it bothers me the most to let go of my dream. Learning to die to myself and live for Christ is not as easy as it sounds. Lord please help me.
My mother told me about a job working with mom's at risk of having low birth weight babies. The position would involve counseling mothers and helping them get the help they need in order to deliver healthy babies. I sent my resume but the job is only part time. It sounds crazy to give up a full time job for a part time job. I just feel like I need to make a difference and I didn't feel like I was doing that in my other job. I wonder what my husband will say. I guess we can cross that bridge if things go that far.
My days have been ok. I am trying to stay busy but I am running out of clothes to wash and I'm not even sure I should be doing that! I can't stand just sitting here sometimes. If I could move around a little more there are a ton of projects I could start. Well, I guess I need a little money too!
Hoping to have another good day!
I am still struggling with direction. I am seeking God in knowing what to do next. What do I need to learn from all of this? What is the next step? I'm sure you all know that I desperately want to have another child. I want to know if this is what He has for me? I really am trying not to dwell on it. I guess it bothers me the most to let go of my dream. Learning to die to myself and live for Christ is not as easy as it sounds. Lord please help me.
My mother told me about a job working with mom's at risk of having low birth weight babies. The position would involve counseling mothers and helping them get the help they need in order to deliver healthy babies. I sent my resume but the job is only part time. It sounds crazy to give up a full time job for a part time job. I just feel like I need to make a difference and I didn't feel like I was doing that in my other job. I wonder what my husband will say. I guess we can cross that bridge if things go that far.
My days have been ok. I am trying to stay busy but I am running out of clothes to wash and I'm not even sure I should be doing that! I can't stand just sitting here sometimes. If I could move around a little more there are a ton of projects I could start. Well, I guess I need a little money too!
Hoping to have another good day!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Good Days
I seem to be ok the last two days. I still think about Roman and what happened but I am dealing with it for now. I feel like I'm clinging to my husband a lot lately. I hate it when he goes to work and I don't want him to leave my side when he comes home. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Hopefully this will deepen our relationship. I've been getting up with him in the morning and packing his lunch and making his coffee. When he came home, dinner was on the stove and the laundry was done. He said yesterday was the best day he ever had! I'm going to try and keep that up.
I wonder if I am fooling myself. I try to stay busy at home. I washed every dirty piece of clothing in my house. Today I am going to wash everyone's blankets and clean out the refrigerator.
Yesterday I talked to my aunt about my cousins baby. I thought it would bother me but I wanted to talk about her. I can't wait to see her. I only hope I feel the same when they come into town next month. It isn't her fault my baby died and hers lived. I have to get over this somehow!
For now, I guess I will take the good days with the bad.
I wonder if I am fooling myself. I try to stay busy at home. I washed every dirty piece of clothing in my house. Today I am going to wash everyone's blankets and clean out the refrigerator.
Yesterday I talked to my aunt about my cousins baby. I thought it would bother me but I wanted to talk about her. I can't wait to see her. I only hope I feel the same when they come into town next month. It isn't her fault my baby died and hers lived. I have to get over this somehow!
For now, I guess I will take the good days with the bad.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Still I Rise
I woke up this morning with a song in my head. It is funny because one of my church members requested that I sing this song in church and at the time, it didn't have much meaning to me. The song wasn't easy to learn so I put off learning it for a long time but I eventually sang it. I can't believe this same song is ministering to me and sort of tells my story. The lyrics are below...
Today, I will ask God for the strength to press on.
Yet Still I Rise Lyrics
Lyric of Yolanda Adams
Verse 1:Shattered, but I'm not broken
Lyric of Yolanda Adams
Verse 1:Shattered, but I'm not broken
Wounded, with time will heal
Heavy the load, the cross I bear
Lonely the road I trod, I dare
Shaken, but here I stand
Weary, Still I press on
Long are the nights, the tears I cry
Dark are the days, no sun in the sky, yes
Chorus:
Yet still I rise
Never to give up
Never to give in against all odds
Yet still I rise
High above the clouds
At times I feel low
Yet still I rise
Sometimes I'm troubled, but not in despair
Struggling, I make my way through
Trials, they come to make me strong
I must endure, I must hold on
Chorus
Above all my problems
Above all my eyes can see
Knowing God is able to strengthen me
To strengthen me
Yet still I rise
Never to give up
Oh, Never to give in against all odds
Yet still I rise
High above the clouds
At times I feel low Yet still I
I need to know which way to go
Yet still I
At times I feel low
Yet still I
Oh Oh Oh I rise
Yet still I rise
Oh yes I do, yeah yeah
Today, I will ask God for the strength to press on.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Struggling
I am struggling to keep it together! I try and keep from crying so others don't feel uncomfortable but I can't help it. I wake up and go to bed thinking about it. I keep thinking of new questions to ask my doctors about what happened. Everything happened so fast. Maybe I could have held him in a bit longer. Perhaps I should have let the doctors in the NICU do more.
I don't want to become bitter or envious but I feel it coming on. Yesterday my husband was trying to tell me about some friends of ours and how they are struggling to have another child. I didn't want to seem insensitive but their first child survived and they didn't have any problems carrying their child to term! Both of mine are dead! How is that supposed to make me feel better!
I keep thinking about my best friend and how much I want to be there for her and hear all about her pregnancy. I keep thinking about the day when she delivers. I want to be there, but I don't want to be the only one who is sad. This is their day to celebrate life! I guess I have some time to think about all of that.
I'm going to do my best to get through each day. I know in time I will feel better. Right now is horrible. I would give anything not to feel this way. I don't wish everyone's babies dead, but I do wish they had a clue what it felt like!
I don't want to become bitter or envious but I feel it coming on. Yesterday my husband was trying to tell me about some friends of ours and how they are struggling to have another child. I didn't want to seem insensitive but their first child survived and they didn't have any problems carrying their child to term! Both of mine are dead! How is that supposed to make me feel better!
I keep thinking about my best friend and how much I want to be there for her and hear all about her pregnancy. I keep thinking about the day when she delivers. I want to be there, but I don't want to be the only one who is sad. This is their day to celebrate life! I guess I have some time to think about all of that.
I'm going to do my best to get through each day. I know in time I will feel better. Right now is horrible. I would give anything not to feel this way. I don't wish everyone's babies dead, but I do wish they had a clue what it felt like!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Hope vs. Acceptance
I am struggling today with hope vs. acceptance. I am crying out to God to reveal if it is in His will for me to have another child. I don't want to keep hoping for something that isn't meant to be. I am trying not to let this consume me but it is so hard! Each tragedy makes me want it even more. It took a few years after the loss of my daughter to be ok with everything, although I still dreamed of having my husband's child. I am back at square one now. It always seems like there is someone close to me that I have no choice but to watch them enjoy the very experience I long for. My best friend is pregnant, one of my closest cousins just had a baby, and I have a friend at church with the same due date I had. It is almost as if I am supposed to be tortured.
I keep thinking of the experience in the hospital and how fast everything happened. I feel like I should have fought more to save his life. Was there more that could have been done? I can't believe how much I loved him. I can't stop thinking about how precious he was.
I feel myself sinking into the dark hole of grief. I don't feel like getting up, getting dressed, or pretending like I am ok. Nonetheless, I have to put on a fake smile for the sake of others. People are calling to give their condolences but I don't feel like talking. I hate the question, "How are you doing?" Are they kidding? Should I say I am wonderful or tell them how I really feel! I don't like phone calls and hate company. It sounds horrible but it is how I feel right now.
God help me!
I keep thinking of the experience in the hospital and how fast everything happened. I feel like I should have fought more to save his life. Was there more that could have been done? I can't believe how much I loved him. I can't stop thinking about how precious he was.
I feel myself sinking into the dark hole of grief. I don't feel like getting up, getting dressed, or pretending like I am ok. Nonetheless, I have to put on a fake smile for the sake of others. People are calling to give their condolences but I don't feel like talking. I hate the question, "How are you doing?" Are they kidding? Should I say I am wonderful or tell them how I really feel! I don't like phone calls and hate company. It sounds horrible but it is how I feel right now.
God help me!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Gloomy Sunday
I woke up this morning kind of sad and gloomy. Sundays were always a marker for another week in my pregnancy. My doctors appointments were on Fridays and I renewed my faith at church each week on Sunday. Today I didn't feel like going. It's hard to believe that it's over. I'm done being pregnant and have no baby to show for it.
One thing that always comes to mind is that millions of women become pregnant every day. They all have some worries but the majority of them end up bringing their babies home. Not only is getting pregnant a struggle for me, but carrying to term. People that have never experienced such a loss can easily remain positive and calm when faced with possible bad news. My bad news seems to always turn into reality. I get angry when people nonchalantly tell me that everything will be ok. I wish they wouldn't say anything except they are praying for me.
I wonder what God has in store for me. I believe He has a plan, I guess I would feel a little better if I could catch a glimpse of what is in store. Will I ever bring home a child? Is it not in His will? That is the million dollar question I wish someone could answer!
One thing that always comes to mind is that millions of women become pregnant every day. They all have some worries but the majority of them end up bringing their babies home. Not only is getting pregnant a struggle for me, but carrying to term. People that have never experienced such a loss can easily remain positive and calm when faced with possible bad news. My bad news seems to always turn into reality. I get angry when people nonchalantly tell me that everything will be ok. I wish they wouldn't say anything except they are praying for me.
I wonder what God has in store for me. I believe He has a plan, I guess I would feel a little better if I could catch a glimpse of what is in store. Will I ever bring home a child? Is it not in His will? That is the million dollar question I wish someone could answer!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Birthday Blues
It has been a few days and I've managed to survive without any huge breakdowns. I've also had a lot of company so I haven't had much time to think about Roman. Nights are hard though. I usually have some type of dream about him that wakes me up and I'm unable to go back to sleep. I keep having thoughts that I didn't pray hard enough for him to survive.
My husband treated me to two wonderful days! I am celebrating my 30th birthday today, although I wasn't really in the mood to celebrate. Consequently, my husband knew that shopping was just the thing to cheer me up! He took me to the shoe store and told me to pick out as many shoes as I wanted! I came out of that store with 6 pairs of shoes and 3 purses! We went to breakfast this morning, followed by a manicure and pedicure and then shopping again at WalMart! If it wasn't for the fact that I just had a c-section a week ago, I would have been ready for more.
The few things that really seem to bother me now is the fact that I still have a baby belly and no baby to show for it. Wearing maternity clothes reminds me of being pregnant but I can't fit into any of my other clothes. I can feel my uterus contracting back to its normal size but sometimes it feels like the baby kicking. Lastly, my breasts are still filled with milk so I am feeling let down every so many hours. Sometimes I just want to forget what just happened but these are constant reminders.
My husband treated me to two wonderful days! I am celebrating my 30th birthday today, although I wasn't really in the mood to celebrate. Consequently, my husband knew that shopping was just the thing to cheer me up! He took me to the shoe store and told me to pick out as many shoes as I wanted! I came out of that store with 6 pairs of shoes and 3 purses! We went to breakfast this morning, followed by a manicure and pedicure and then shopping again at WalMart! If it wasn't for the fact that I just had a c-section a week ago, I would have been ready for more.
The few things that really seem to bother me now is the fact that I still have a baby belly and no baby to show for it. Wearing maternity clothes reminds me of being pregnant but I can't fit into any of my other clothes. I can feel my uterus contracting back to its normal size but sometimes it feels like the baby kicking. Lastly, my breasts are still filled with milk so I am feeling let down every so many hours. Sometimes I just want to forget what just happened but these are constant reminders.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sleep
I finally had a good nights sleep, with the help of a few glasses of wine. The pain from my c-section is starting to wear off as well so I don't feel so bad. I can't help but think about what to do with my life now? I have been so focused on this pregnancy and having this baby that nothing else really mattered. Now, all I can think about is a new exciting career, or the thought of trying again for another child.
The second time around on this journey seems to be a bit easier, but is it too soon to tell? Right now I am bombarded with visitors, phone calls, and cards. I wonder what it will be like when all that slows down. I seem to feel the worst in the middle of the night and in the morning.
I was able to put away all of the shower gifts with the help of my husband and a close friend. I was glad that no one tried to hide it to keep me from being sad. It gives me something to look forward to. I have all the blankets I need for sure!
Today I am going to try and get out and get my hair done and pick out an outfit for the service tomorrow.
The second time around on this journey seems to be a bit easier, but is it too soon to tell? Right now I am bombarded with visitors, phone calls, and cards. I wonder what it will be like when all that slows down. I seem to feel the worst in the middle of the night and in the morning.
I was able to put away all of the shower gifts with the help of my husband and a close friend. I was glad that no one tried to hide it to keep me from being sad. It gives me something to look forward to. I have all the blankets I need for sure!
Today I am going to try and get out and get my hair done and pick out an outfit for the service tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
The Journey Begins
It has been a few days since the baby passed, thus my grief journey begins. Having lost a daughter a few years ago helps, but can sometimes add fuel to the fire. Each time I've had to pretend that all the babies being born around me make me happy and not angry and jealous. People say that it is ok to express what I feel and to take as long as I need but I bet they would fall out at some of the thoughts I have. People offer me their children and sometimes force them in my lap like that is supposed to be the next best thing!
People are also quick to find uses for my baby's things. Those were gifts for my child and I plan on using them just as soon as my child comes into this world! Sounds so selfish I know. So what! If you haven't guessed, anger and bitterness often accompany grief. This stage will pass, but often the things I am angry about are true! I just won't be so ready to express them once I am little more stable.
I have been thinking about how effortlessly people seem to have children. They have no worries or complications. People don't think twice about buying gifts. They just get pregnant, have the baby, and go home!
I guess I should calm down now. I feel the anger coming on and I am really hurting deep. Is it too much to ask to carry a child to term and bring him or her home? I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to know that it won't take another 4 years to get pregnant and that my whole life won't have to stop in order to carry the baby.
It's funny. My son said he wanted us to have twins next to replace the two we lost. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have him. I agree and I'm not ready to give up either.
People are also quick to find uses for my baby's things. Those were gifts for my child and I plan on using them just as soon as my child comes into this world! Sounds so selfish I know. So what! If you haven't guessed, anger and bitterness often accompany grief. This stage will pass, but often the things I am angry about are true! I just won't be so ready to express them once I am little more stable.
I have been thinking about how effortlessly people seem to have children. They have no worries or complications. People don't think twice about buying gifts. They just get pregnant, have the baby, and go home!
I guess I should calm down now. I feel the anger coming on and I am really hurting deep. Is it too much to ask to carry a child to term and bring him or her home? I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to know that it won't take another 4 years to get pregnant and that my whole life won't have to stop in order to carry the baby.
It's funny. My son said he wanted us to have twins next to replace the two we lost. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have him. I agree and I'm not ready to give up either.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
All Things Work Together for Good
After thinking about all the events that happened this past week, the scripture Romans 8:28 keeps coming to mind. "All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."
On Monday, April 7th, I was admitted to the hospital because I was having contractions. After a day or so, I was convinced that it was just false labor and that I would make it to the magical "32" weeks my doctors were shooting for. Unfortunately, things continued to progress and by Friday morning, I was delivering my son by c-section.
Roman weighed 1 pound and 5 ounces and he appeared to be doing well. No one could ever really know what was in store but we assumed his journey would be similar to his sister's. We anticipated some bumps in the road but were quite optimistic by the end of Friday.
Saturday morning around 3:30 a.m., one of the doctors from NICU brought us news we weren't expecting to hear. She told us that Roman is not doing well at all and that we should be there in the event something happens. Roman's lungs were in poor condition and causing him to lose his battle. We thought for a moment that he was going to make it over the hump but he was just too tired and we made the decision to let him go.
I have so many mixed emotions about the whole thing. I still trust God and I don't believe my faith waivered. Only He knows what is best for us but it so difficult to accept right now. I coudn't wait to bring him home to become a part of the family.
Will we ever have children from this marriage? Is it even safe for us to get pregnant again? Do we wan't to even go through this again? Can I cope with all of my friends and family members who will be delivering babies soon? I feel hurt, sad, angry, and hopeless. God please be with me on this journey. I will remember your promise in Romans 8:28.
On Monday, April 7th, I was admitted to the hospital because I was having contractions. After a day or so, I was convinced that it was just false labor and that I would make it to the magical "32" weeks my doctors were shooting for. Unfortunately, things continued to progress and by Friday morning, I was delivering my son by c-section.
Roman weighed 1 pound and 5 ounces and he appeared to be doing well. No one could ever really know what was in store but we assumed his journey would be similar to his sister's. We anticipated some bumps in the road but were quite optimistic by the end of Friday.
Saturday morning around 3:30 a.m., one of the doctors from NICU brought us news we weren't expecting to hear. She told us that Roman is not doing well at all and that we should be there in the event something happens. Roman's lungs were in poor condition and causing him to lose his battle. We thought for a moment that he was going to make it over the hump but he was just too tired and we made the decision to let him go.
I have so many mixed emotions about the whole thing. I still trust God and I don't believe my faith waivered. Only He knows what is best for us but it so difficult to accept right now. I coudn't wait to bring him home to become a part of the family.
Will we ever have children from this marriage? Is it even safe for us to get pregnant again? Do we wan't to even go through this again? Can I cope with all of my friends and family members who will be delivering babies soon? I feel hurt, sad, angry, and hopeless. God please be with me on this journey. I will remember your promise in Romans 8:28.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Small Scare
This past Friday I had a wonderful appointment! I never really know what I am going to hear when I go in each week. I can tell the baby is alive because I feel him move, but his development and chances for survival are something different. I prepared myself for the worst and ended up with good news! The baby's amniotic fluid level was really good and his development thus far is ok. I believe he measured a little small but I don't think it was a major concern. My doctor was even optimistic. I left the office that day praising God for the good news.
Later that evening, I noticed a pink discharge when I went to the bathroom and worried that it was the beginning of labor. They always ask if I am having any cramping or bleeding. I went in to labor and delivery that night but everything is still ok. I am no longer seeing pink. I am having a few contractions here and there but I am determined to hold this baby in!
May 28th is the day the c-section is scheduled. Pray with me that we make it to this date!
Later that evening, I noticed a pink discharge when I went to the bathroom and worried that it was the beginning of labor. They always ask if I am having any cramping or bleeding. I went in to labor and delivery that night but everything is still ok. I am no longer seeing pink. I am having a few contractions here and there but I am determined to hold this baby in!
May 28th is the day the c-section is scheduled. Pray with me that we make it to this date!
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Still Have Faith
It is April 2nd and I have made it to 24 weeks! I know that I still have a ways to go but I am thankful for each week. My last pregnancy ended at 23 weeks and 6 days so it is a relief to make it past this painful milestone.
This past weekend, my little sister threw me a surprise baby shower! I was so glad she did despite the discouraging remarks some people gave when she passed out the invitations. Some people felt it wasn't "right" to give me a shower since things were so uncertain. I even had some tell me that they don't buy gifts until the baby is here. I'm ok with that but they could have kept that to themselves. Little did they know, it was just what I had been hoping for and just what I needed.
Their gifts for my unborn son showed their faith in God to see this pregnancy through. I needed others to believe with me to increase my faith! I shared with them the story of the paralyzed man and his friends efforts to get him to Jesus to have him healed. It is found in Luke 5:18-20. It wasn't the man's faith but the faith of his friends that impressed Jesus and he was healed.
I will be admitted to the hospital in two and 1/2 weeks until the baby is born. Although I am glad they will be monitoring the baby closely, I know it is going to be even more difficult than being on bed rest at home.
What a story I will have to tell when this is over!
This past weekend, my little sister threw me a surprise baby shower! I was so glad she did despite the discouraging remarks some people gave when she passed out the invitations. Some people felt it wasn't "right" to give me a shower since things were so uncertain. I even had some tell me that they don't buy gifts until the baby is here. I'm ok with that but they could have kept that to themselves. Little did they know, it was just what I had been hoping for and just what I needed.
Their gifts for my unborn son showed their faith in God to see this pregnancy through. I needed others to believe with me to increase my faith! I shared with them the story of the paralyzed man and his friends efforts to get him to Jesus to have him healed. It is found in Luke 5:18-20. It wasn't the man's faith but the faith of his friends that impressed Jesus and he was healed.
I will be admitted to the hospital in two and 1/2 weeks until the baby is born. Although I am glad they will be monitoring the baby closely, I know it is going to be even more difficult than being on bed rest at home.
What a story I will have to tell when this is over!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
