I am surprised at how I have been able to hold it together. I'm not sure if that is because I am stronger this time or it really hasn't hit me. One thing I am trying not to do is become bitter at other people who are pregnant or who have babies. I want to be happy for them and rejoice with them at the safe arrival of their child.
Yesterday was my first day back at church since it all happened. I didn't want to go and be an emotional wreck, crying at every hug. Instead, I kept a smile, thanked everyone for their concern, and made it through the service with only one or two tears. The question is, can I keep this up? I wanted to show that although I am hurting, I still have faith in God. Although this time the answer to our prayers didn't turn out the way we wanted, I realize it is for my good and ultimately for His glory! My response to this crisis reflects my relationship with God. I am waiting for God's direction on what He wants me to do.
I go to the doctor today. I have lots of questions to ask my doctor. The main question is if I can physically try again. I still know the rest is up to God.
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