Hope vs. Acceptance

I am struggling today with hope vs. acceptance. I am crying out to God to reveal if it is in His will for me to have another child. I don't want to keep hoping for something that isn't meant to be. I am trying not to let this consume me but it is so hard! Each tragedy makes me want it even more. It took a few years after the loss of my daughter to be ok with everything, although I still dreamed of having my husband's child. I am back at square one now. It always seems like there is someone close to me that I have no choice but to watch them enjoy the very experience I long for. My best friend is pregnant, one of my closest cousins just had a baby, and I have a friend at church with the same due date I had. It is almost as if I am supposed to be tortured.

I keep thinking of the experience in the hospital and how fast everything happened. I feel like I should have fought more to save his life. Was there more that could have been done? I can't believe how much I loved him. I can't stop thinking about how precious he was.

I feel myself sinking into the dark hole of grief. I don't feel like getting up, getting dressed, or pretending like I am ok. Nonetheless, I have to put on a fake smile for the sake of others. People are calling to give their condolences but I don't feel like talking. I hate the question, "How are you doing?" Are they kidding? Should I say I am wonderful or tell them how I really feel! I don't like phone calls and hate company. It sounds horrible but it is how I feel right now.

God help me!