Well, I guess I can finally close this chapter. Last week, I was all excited about the possiblity of a career move and relocating withing 6 months to 1 year. I let everyone know it too! My husband and I were researching different cities and schools to live in. The kids were actually excited about moving!
Last week, I started spotting on the day I was supposed to start my period. I didn't really pay attention that it was much lighter than usuall. The next day, I wore a pad all day but there was nothing on it! After putting it off for some time, I took a pregnancy test. I attributed the strange period to stress at the time, but when it flashed back and said pregnant, my first reaction was that the test malfunctioned. I went home and waited a few hours before taking the second one. I couldn't figure out why both of them kept saying pregnant. I still believe that it is a malfunction of the new electronic tests!
I spent the evening in tears. I don't want to experience that pain or loss of hope again. I can't even imagine what it would be like to actually carry a baby to term! What is God doing? I was off on this career path and now this! who's going to hire me to lead a business knowing that I'm going to be off work soon! Is that not going to happen for me? Will I have to stop my life again only to not bring my child home? I'm so frustrated and scared!
God, I need you to speak to me.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Time to Release
It has been quite some time since I felt like I needed to write. Today isn't necessarily a bad day, but I just felt like sharing. Our annual walk-a-thon is Saturday and we are busy preparing for it. I haven't really had time to think about Roman or the journey that started only a few months ago.
My best friend has had her baby. I think I am handling it well, but I do get teary when I am around them sometimes. One evening, I was showing my husband the picture when he told me he was tired of everyone else having babies. It was the first time in a while that he revealed to me our struggle bothers him. It felt good to know I wasn't alone.
At times, I feel myself wanting to remind people that I just had a baby! Especially when they comment on my rear baggage! I think sometimes they forget how recent it was because there is no child to show for it.
I wonder often what the people in the group think of me. Am I a good leader? Am I really making a difference? Are they all waiting for me to sit down and move out of the way? I know, crazy questions but I told you, I just felt like letting some things out.
I still wonder each day if I will ever experience another pregnancy and how far it will go? Sometimes I grow tired and don't want to hear about death anymore. I don't even feel like calling people sometimes.
I will continue to trust God and know that He has a purpose and a calling for me. Although I feel week and tired, I know He is able to give me strength.
My best friend has had her baby. I think I am handling it well, but I do get teary when I am around them sometimes. One evening, I was showing my husband the picture when he told me he was tired of everyone else having babies. It was the first time in a while that he revealed to me our struggle bothers him. It felt good to know I wasn't alone.
At times, I feel myself wanting to remind people that I just had a baby! Especially when they comment on my rear baggage! I think sometimes they forget how recent it was because there is no child to show for it.
I wonder often what the people in the group think of me. Am I a good leader? Am I really making a difference? Are they all waiting for me to sit down and move out of the way? I know, crazy questions but I told you, I just felt like letting some things out.
I still wonder each day if I will ever experience another pregnancy and how far it will go? Sometimes I grow tired and don't want to hear about death anymore. I don't even feel like calling people sometimes.
I will continue to trust God and know that He has a purpose and a calling for me. Although I feel week and tired, I know He is able to give me strength.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Hard to Swallow
The thought of not being able to have more children is hard to swallow, although I am dealing more and more with acceptance. I realize that this is the path God has laid for me and I must follow it. If I trust that He knows what is best, and that He has a good plan for my life, why not trust Him? The problem is that my heart gets in the way and I get selfish. All I can think of at times is my own selfish desire to have children with my husband. I asked the question that if my life ended tomorrow, would it matter if I had more children or that I led someone else to Christ?
I believe that God knows my every thought and desire. Scripture (Matthew 6:33) tells me to seek first His Kingdom and all other things will be added unto me. So my goal is to focus on God and the work He has for me to do. I must realize that we all suffer and experience trials and tribulations. But in those tribulations, it builds character, patience, and preserverance(Romans 5:24). It makes me a stronger Christian and person.
There is purpose in my pain. Sometimes I wish it were easier to chew.
I believe that God knows my every thought and desire. Scripture (Matthew 6:33) tells me to seek first His Kingdom and all other things will be added unto me. So my goal is to focus on God and the work He has for me to do. I must realize that we all suffer and experience trials and tribulations. But in those tribulations, it builds character, patience, and preserverance(Romans 5:24). It makes me a stronger Christian and person.
There is purpose in my pain. Sometimes I wish it were easier to chew.
Friday, June 13, 2008
A Joke?
Yesterday when I got home from work, there was a package of Similac on my back porch. I thought....Is this a joke? When I got inside I checked the mail. There were three bills from Roman's birth and a thinking of you card from a friend. I opened all the bills and the words on one of the bills just seemed to stand out in bold. Newborn resuscitation. CPR. Critical care. It seemed as if all the horror and memory of his death came rushing back!
Although I do not have as many crying spells as the last time, I have thinking spells. I wonder how I should act around the many women I have to interract with that are pregnant. I want to be happy for them but can't help wondering why they all seem to have carefree pregnancies and I never know if I should even prepare to bring a baby home. My whole life has to stop and still nothing!
I think my husband gets a little irritated when I complain about my weight. A good friend of mine said it perfectly. This sucks! Not only did I have to sit in a chair or bed for three months, but I had to stop working, depend on other people for just about everything, have major surgery, gain a ton of weight, lose my chid, and then have to suck it up and be ok for everyone else! I should be happy because I just had a baby right? The weight shouldn't even bother me! Whatever!
Last weekend a friend of my family put together a benefit dinner. I was so embarassed but grateful she wanted to help. I kept thinking what other people would say. We aren't poor. I'm not dying. I have two living children that are ok. I felt undeserving and unsure of what to do with the money even when I got it. Well, we got it and then within the next few days, reality hit. We are behind over $1000 on the mortgage, the hospital and doctor bills for me and Roman are thousands of dollars, and the headstone I want to purchase is about $400 in addition to a fee of about $100 to place at his gravesite. Now I really don't know what to do with the donation! Any way I apply it still leaves a tremendous balance!
Although I do not have as many crying spells as the last time, I have thinking spells. I wonder how I should act around the many women I have to interract with that are pregnant. I want to be happy for them but can't help wondering why they all seem to have carefree pregnancies and I never know if I should even prepare to bring a baby home. My whole life has to stop and still nothing!
I think my husband gets a little irritated when I complain about my weight. A good friend of mine said it perfectly. This sucks! Not only did I have to sit in a chair or bed for three months, but I had to stop working, depend on other people for just about everything, have major surgery, gain a ton of weight, lose my chid, and then have to suck it up and be ok for everyone else! I should be happy because I just had a baby right? The weight shouldn't even bother me! Whatever!
Last weekend a friend of my family put together a benefit dinner. I was so embarassed but grateful she wanted to help. I kept thinking what other people would say. We aren't poor. I'm not dying. I have two living children that are ok. I felt undeserving and unsure of what to do with the money even when I got it. Well, we got it and then within the next few days, reality hit. We are behind over $1000 on the mortgage, the hospital and doctor bills for me and Roman are thousands of dollars, and the headstone I want to purchase is about $400 in addition to a fee of about $100 to place at his gravesite. Now I really don't know what to do with the donation! Any way I apply it still leaves a tremendous balance!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Going Through
It has been some time since my last post but it is not because I am not still going through. I am battling for my state of mind and for peace in my home! I am also starting to feel inadequate at my job. I feel like there are so many things I should have thought of when other people bring them to my attention or suggest something. I don't know exactly what I should be doing sometimes and I feel I am failing. It is so hard to focus anymore with all this going on in my head. I search on line many times looking for another job but I'm not sure what to look for. I don't even know what I do well besides speak and carry myself professionally. I send out resumes and never get a response.
I feel that I am becoming depressed and I am trying my best to fight it. I have to remind myself to eat most days. The other day I forced myself to eat even though I didn't feel like it. It's funny because my craving for coffee hasn't changed! I've developed a craving for wine as well. I'm sure that can't be good.
I am an emotional wreck! God please come rescue me.
I feel that I am becoming depressed and I am trying my best to fight it. I have to remind myself to eat most days. The other day I forced myself to eat even though I didn't feel like it. It's funny because my craving for coffee hasn't changed! I've developed a craving for wine as well. I'm sure that can't be good.
I am an emotional wreck! God please come rescue me.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Back to Work
I started back to work on Monday of this week. I have to say that it almost feels as if things are back to normal. I still stop and think how things would have been with Roman. I was planning to work only part time until he was about 6 months or older. It feels like I just took a long vacation. I have the occasional person ask how the baby is doing but it doesn't bother me too much. I worry that I have supressed all my feelings and one day they will come barreling out.
My husband and I have made up and things are peaceful. I find that we are spending more time together than in the past. I would have been too busy or too tired. I hated going to the grocery store but almost enjoy it now. We went last night and laughed at each other the entire time. I am waking up every morning making him lunches for work. He told me he appreciated it and I didn't have to do it anymore but I like talking to him in the morning. Even if it is 4:30 a.m. I just have to get a better schedule for myself because I am dead tired when he leaves but don't want to oversleep for my job.
I guess in all of this, I will take the good with the bad. This has been a good week. I know they won't always be this way, but I can always look back and remember how it can be. I prayed that God would remove my selfishness and help me be a better servant to others. It is not that I didn't like to help anyone else, I just never thought about it or could see the opportunity. My eyes are beginning to open.
My husband and I have made up and things are peaceful. I find that we are spending more time together than in the past. I would have been too busy or too tired. I hated going to the grocery store but almost enjoy it now. We went last night and laughed at each other the entire time. I am waking up every morning making him lunches for work. He told me he appreciated it and I didn't have to do it anymore but I like talking to him in the morning. Even if it is 4:30 a.m. I just have to get a better schedule for myself because I am dead tired when he leaves but don't want to oversleep for my job.
I guess in all of this, I will take the good with the bad. This has been a good week. I know they won't always be this way, but I can always look back and remember how it can be. I prayed that God would remove my selfishness and help me be a better servant to others. It is not that I didn't like to help anyone else, I just never thought about it or could see the opportunity. My eyes are beginning to open.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Bad Feelings
Well, it's been about three weeks now. I was in Target shopping the other day and a strange feeling came over me when I walked by the maternity clothes and then the baby section. I remember feeling like I was just there. Just a few weeks ago, I would have been shopping for baby items and picking out new and cute maternity tops. I can't believe it is over. I was so close! Just a few weeks away.
I go back to work on Monday. Sometimes I feel like I'm not needed and they are going to find a way to fire me. I've been gone for so long and they were able to do things without me. I'm having a hard time trying to define what I bring to the table. Did I lose my drive?
On top of everything that has been going on, my husband and I had a huge argument. It is funny because a while ago, I imagined myself to be this tough, indepedent woman who wouldn't care if he decided to leave. This time, just the thought of him being away for a short time almost killed me. To add to the chaos, my family got involved and there are some bad feelings lingering.
We are better now although I know that things aren't fixed. I'm sure we are both stressed out and hurting. It is funny how much more you appreciate and how much harder you love when it is in danger of being lost.
I pray that God will bless and protect my family and remove any unnecessary feelings. I seem to think negatively about everything lately.
I go back to work on Monday. Sometimes I feel like I'm not needed and they are going to find a way to fire me. I've been gone for so long and they were able to do things without me. I'm having a hard time trying to define what I bring to the table. Did I lose my drive?
On top of everything that has been going on, my husband and I had a huge argument. It is funny because a while ago, I imagined myself to be this tough, indepedent woman who wouldn't care if he decided to leave. This time, just the thought of him being away for a short time almost killed me. To add to the chaos, my family got involved and there are some bad feelings lingering.
We are better now although I know that things aren't fixed. I'm sure we are both stressed out and hurting. It is funny how much more you appreciate and how much harder you love when it is in danger of being lost.
I pray that God will bless and protect my family and remove any unnecessary feelings. I seem to think negatively about everything lately.
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