Time to Release

It has been quite some time since I felt like I needed to write. Today isn't necessarily a bad day, but I just felt like sharing. Our annual walk-a-thon is Saturday and we are busy preparing for it. I haven't really had time to think about Roman or the journey that started only a few months ago.

My best friend has had her baby. I think I am handling it well, but I do get teary when I am around them sometimes. One evening, I was showing my husband the picture when he told me he was tired of everyone else having babies. It was the first time in a while that he revealed to me our struggle bothers him. It felt good to know I wasn't alone.

At times, I feel myself wanting to remind people that I just had a baby! Especially when they comment on my rear baggage! I think sometimes they forget how recent it was because there is no child to show for it.

I wonder often what the people in the group think of me. Am I a good leader? Am I really making a difference? Are they all waiting for me to sit down and move out of the way? I know, crazy questions but I told you, I just felt like letting some things out.

I still wonder each day if I will ever experience another pregnancy and how far it will go? Sometimes I grow tired and don't want to hear about death anymore. I don't even feel like calling people sometimes.

I will continue to trust God and know that He has a purpose and a calling for me. Although I feel week and tired, I know He is able to give me strength.

Hard to Swallow

The thought of not being able to have more children is hard to swallow, although I am dealing more and more with acceptance. I realize that this is the path God has laid for me and I must follow it. If I trust that He knows what is best, and that He has a good plan for my life, why not trust Him? The problem is that my heart gets in the way and I get selfish. All I can think of at times is my own selfish desire to have children with my husband. I asked the question that if my life ended tomorrow, would it matter if I had more children or that I led someone else to Christ?

I believe that God knows my every thought and desire. Scripture (Matthew 6:33) tells me to seek first His Kingdom and all other things will be added unto me. So my goal is to focus on God and the work He has for me to do. I must realize that we all suffer and experience trials and tribulations. But in those tribulations, it builds character, patience, and preserverance(Romans 5:24). It makes me a stronger Christian and person.

There is purpose in my pain. Sometimes I wish it were easier to chew.

A Joke?

Yesterday when I got home from work, there was a package of Similac on my back porch. I thought....Is this a joke? When I got inside I checked the mail. There were three bills from Roman's birth and a thinking of you card from a friend. I opened all the bills and the words on one of the bills just seemed to stand out in bold. Newborn resuscitation. CPR. Critical care. It seemed as if all the horror and memory of his death came rushing back!

Although I do not have as many crying spells as the last time, I have thinking spells. I wonder how I should act around the many women I have to interract with that are pregnant. I want to be happy for them but can't help wondering why they all seem to have carefree pregnancies and I never know if I should even prepare to bring a baby home. My whole life has to stop and still nothing!

I think my husband gets a little irritated when I complain about my weight. A good friend of mine said it perfectly. This sucks! Not only did I have to sit in a chair or bed for three months, but I had to stop working, depend on other people for just about everything, have major surgery, gain a ton of weight, lose my chid, and then have to suck it up and be ok for everyone else! I should be happy because I just had a baby right? The weight shouldn't even bother me! Whatever!

Last weekend a friend of my family put together a benefit dinner. I was so embarassed but grateful she wanted to help. I kept thinking what other people would say. We aren't poor. I'm not dying. I have two living children that are ok. I felt undeserving and unsure of what to do with the money even when I got it. Well, we got it and then within the next few days, reality hit. We are behind over $1000 on the mortgage, the hospital and doctor bills for me and Roman are thousands of dollars, and the headstone I want to purchase is about $400 in addition to a fee of about $100 to place at his gravesite. Now I really don't know what to do with the donation! Any way I apply it still leaves a tremendous balance!

Going Through

It has been some time since my last post but it is not because I am not still going through. I am battling for my state of mind and for peace in my home! I am also starting to feel inadequate at my job. I feel like there are so many things I should have thought of when other people bring them to my attention or suggest something. I don't know exactly what I should be doing sometimes and I feel I am failing. It is so hard to focus anymore with all this going on in my head. I search on line many times looking for another job but I'm not sure what to look for. I don't even know what I do well besides speak and carry myself professionally. I send out resumes and never get a response.

I feel that I am becoming depressed and I am trying my best to fight it. I have to remind myself to eat most days. The other day I forced myself to eat even though I didn't feel like it. It's funny because my craving for coffee hasn't changed! I've developed a craving for wine as well. I'm sure that can't be good.

I am an emotional wreck! God please come rescue me.

Back to Work

I started back to work on Monday of this week. I have to say that it almost feels as if things are back to normal. I still stop and think how things would have been with Roman. I was planning to work only part time until he was about 6 months or older. It feels like I just took a long vacation. I have the occasional person ask how the baby is doing but it doesn't bother me too much. I worry that I have supressed all my feelings and one day they will come barreling out.

My husband and I have made up and things are peaceful. I find that we are spending more time together than in the past. I would have been too busy or too tired. I hated going to the grocery store but almost enjoy it now. We went last night and laughed at each other the entire time. I am waking up every morning making him lunches for work. He told me he appreciated it and I didn't have to do it anymore but I like talking to him in the morning. Even if it is 4:30 a.m. I just have to get a better schedule for myself because I am dead tired when he leaves but don't want to oversleep for my job.

I guess in all of this, I will take the good with the bad. This has been a good week. I know they won't always be this way, but I can always look back and remember how it can be. I prayed that God would remove my selfishness and help me be a better servant to others. It is not that I didn't like to help anyone else, I just never thought about it or could see the opportunity. My eyes are beginning to open.

Bad Feelings

Well, it's been about three weeks now. I was in Target shopping the other day and a strange feeling came over me when I walked by the maternity clothes and then the baby section. I remember feeling like I was just there. Just a few weeks ago, I would have been shopping for baby items and picking out new and cute maternity tops. I can't believe it is over. I was so close! Just a few weeks away.

I go back to work on Monday. Sometimes I feel like I'm not needed and they are going to find a way to fire me. I've been gone for so long and they were able to do things without me. I'm having a hard time trying to define what I bring to the table. Did I lose my drive?

On top of everything that has been going on, my husband and I had a huge argument. It is funny because a while ago, I imagined myself to be this tough, indepedent woman who wouldn't care if he decided to leave. This time, just the thought of him being away for a short time almost killed me. To add to the chaos, my family got involved and there are some bad feelings lingering.

We are better now although I know that things aren't fixed. I'm sure we are both stressed out and hurting. It is funny how much more you appreciate and how much harder you love when it is in danger of being lost.

I pray that God will bless and protect my family and remove any unnecessary feelings. I seem to think negatively about everything lately.

Surprised I'm Okay

I am surprised at how I have been able to hold it together. I'm not sure if that is because I am stronger this time or it really hasn't hit me. One thing I am trying not to do is become bitter at other people who are pregnant or who have babies. I want to be happy for them and rejoice with them at the safe arrival of their child.

Yesterday was my first day back at church since it all happened. I didn't want to go and be an emotional wreck, crying at every hug. Instead, I kept a smile, thanked everyone for their concern, and made it through the service with only one or two tears. The question is, can I keep this up? I wanted to show that although I am hurting, I still have faith in God. Although this time the answer to our prayers didn't turn out the way we wanted, I realize it is for my good and ultimately for His glory! My response to this crisis reflects my relationship with God. I am waiting for God's direction on what He wants me to do.

I go to the doctor today. I have lots of questions to ask my doctor. The main question is if I can physically try again. I still know the rest is up to God.

A Dream Unfulfilled

Ever since I met my husband I've wanted to have his child. Although we've had our differences in discipline choices and handling situations, I see that he truly desires to be, and is a good father. He didn't even hesitate to start caring for my two children. He treats them as if they were his own and doesn't ask questions or hinder their biological father from visiting. He wants them to succeed and does everything in his power to make sure they have the best of everything. He provides for all of us unselfishly.

I look back on my life and remember how hard it was to raise my two children at such a young age. I had the help of my family, but wanted so bad for their father to be a part of it. I wanted a family! I've always wanted to experience the fairy tale pregnancy where the father and both our families were excited about the coming child! I wanted the father to touch my growing stomach and talk to the baby. I wanted him to be concerned for my health and things that could harm the baby.

I often envision us decorating the nursery and what it would be like the first day we bring baby home. I want to share all the joys, sorrows, and frustrations of parenting a baby. There are so many experiences from having my first two that I want him to experience with me. With each loss, the void in my heart grows larger. Sometimes it seems as if this dream will never come true.

We haven't given up on having our own child, but we are considering adoption. In the event we are unable to have our own, we can give our love to a child who needs us. Of course I have to consider what God's will is for our lives. I know He knows my heart, but He also knows best.

Need Direction

Last week, a friend of mine gave me a book called 'Pivotal Praying' by John Hull & Tim Elmore. At first I thought, I don't want to read another self help book! I was angry at God and didn't understand why this happend again. It is funny how the very thing that don't we feel we don't need, ends up being the biggest help. The book has helped tremendously. It talks about learning how to pray and what to say when situations don't turn out the way we want or when tragedy strikes. I highly recommend this book!

I am still struggling with direction. I am seeking God in knowing what to do next. What do I need to learn from all of this? What is the next step? I'm sure you all know that I desperately want to have another child. I want to know if this is what He has for me? I really am trying not to dwell on it. I guess it bothers me the most to let go of my dream. Learning to die to myself and live for Christ is not as easy as it sounds. Lord please help me.

My mother told me about a job working with mom's at risk of having low birth weight babies. The position would involve counseling mothers and helping them get the help they need in order to deliver healthy babies. I sent my resume but the job is only part time. It sounds crazy to give up a full time job for a part time job. I just feel like I need to make a difference and I didn't feel like I was doing that in my other job. I wonder what my husband will say. I guess we can cross that bridge if things go that far.

My days have been ok. I am trying to stay busy but I am running out of clothes to wash and I'm not even sure I should be doing that! I can't stand just sitting here sometimes. If I could move around a little more there are a ton of projects I could start. Well, I guess I need a little money too!

Hoping to have another good day!

Good Days

I seem to be ok the last two days. I still think about Roman and what happened but I am dealing with it for now. I feel like I'm clinging to my husband a lot lately. I hate it when he goes to work and I don't want him to leave my side when he comes home. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Hopefully this will deepen our relationship. I've been getting up with him in the morning and packing his lunch and making his coffee. When he came home, dinner was on the stove and the laundry was done. He said yesterday was the best day he ever had! I'm going to try and keep that up.

I wonder if I am fooling myself. I try to stay busy at home. I washed every dirty piece of clothing in my house. Today I am going to wash everyone's blankets and clean out the refrigerator.

Yesterday I talked to my aunt about my cousins baby. I thought it would bother me but I wanted to talk about her. I can't wait to see her. I only hope I feel the same when they come into town next month. It isn't her fault my baby died and hers lived. I have to get over this somehow!

For now, I guess I will take the good days with the bad.

Still I Rise

I woke up this morning with a song in my head. It is funny because one of my church members requested that I sing this song in church and at the time, it didn't have much meaning to me. The song wasn't easy to learn so I put off learning it for a long time but I eventually sang it. I can't believe this same song is ministering to me and sort of tells my story. The lyrics are below...

Yet Still I Rise Lyrics
Lyric of Yolanda Adams

Verse 1:Shattered, but I'm not broken

Wounded, with time will heal

Heavy the load, the cross I bear

Lonely the road I trod, I dare

Shaken, but here I stand

Weary, Still I press on

Long are the nights, the tears I cry

Dark are the days, no sun in the sky, yes

Chorus:

Yet still I rise

Never to give up

Never to give in against all odds

Yet still I rise

High above the clouds

At times I feel low

Yet still I rise

Sometimes I'm troubled, but not in despair

Struggling, I make my way through

Trials, they come to make me strong

I must endure, I must hold on

Chorus

Above all my problems

Above all my eyes can see

Knowing God is able to strengthen me

To strengthen me

Yet still I rise

Never to give up

Oh, Never to give in against all odds

Yet still I rise

High above the clouds

At times I feel low Yet still I

I need to know which way to go

Yet still I

At times I feel low

Yet still I

Oh Oh Oh I rise

Yet still I rise

Oh yes I do, yeah yeah

Today, I will ask God for the strength to press on.

Struggling

I am struggling to keep it together! I try and keep from crying so others don't feel uncomfortable but I can't help it. I wake up and go to bed thinking about it. I keep thinking of new questions to ask my doctors about what happened. Everything happened so fast. Maybe I could have held him in a bit longer. Perhaps I should have let the doctors in the NICU do more.

I don't want to become bitter or envious but I feel it coming on. Yesterday my husband was trying to tell me about some friends of ours and how they are struggling to have another child. I didn't want to seem insensitive but their first child survived and they didn't have any problems carrying their child to term! Both of mine are dead! How is that supposed to make me feel better!

I keep thinking about my best friend and how much I want to be there for her and hear all about her pregnancy. I keep thinking about the day when she delivers. I want to be there, but I don't want to be the only one who is sad. This is their day to celebrate life! I guess I have some time to think about all of that.

I'm going to do my best to get through each day. I know in time I will feel better. Right now is horrible. I would give anything not to feel this way. I don't wish everyone's babies dead, but I do wish they had a clue what it felt like!

Hope vs. Acceptance

I am struggling today with hope vs. acceptance. I am crying out to God to reveal if it is in His will for me to have another child. I don't want to keep hoping for something that isn't meant to be. I am trying not to let this consume me but it is so hard! Each tragedy makes me want it even more. It took a few years after the loss of my daughter to be ok with everything, although I still dreamed of having my husband's child. I am back at square one now. It always seems like there is someone close to me that I have no choice but to watch them enjoy the very experience I long for. My best friend is pregnant, one of my closest cousins just had a baby, and I have a friend at church with the same due date I had. It is almost as if I am supposed to be tortured.

I keep thinking of the experience in the hospital and how fast everything happened. I feel like I should have fought more to save his life. Was there more that could have been done? I can't believe how much I loved him. I can't stop thinking about how precious he was.

I feel myself sinking into the dark hole of grief. I don't feel like getting up, getting dressed, or pretending like I am ok. Nonetheless, I have to put on a fake smile for the sake of others. People are calling to give their condolences but I don't feel like talking. I hate the question, "How are you doing?" Are they kidding? Should I say I am wonderful or tell them how I really feel! I don't like phone calls and hate company. It sounds horrible but it is how I feel right now.

God help me!

Gloomy Sunday

I woke up this morning kind of sad and gloomy. Sundays were always a marker for another week in my pregnancy. My doctors appointments were on Fridays and I renewed my faith at church each week on Sunday. Today I didn't feel like going. It's hard to believe that it's over. I'm done being pregnant and have no baby to show for it.

One thing that always comes to mind is that millions of women become pregnant every day. They all have some worries but the majority of them end up bringing their babies home. Not only is getting pregnant a struggle for me, but carrying to term. People that have never experienced such a loss can easily remain positive and calm when faced with possible bad news. My bad news seems to always turn into reality. I get angry when people nonchalantly tell me that everything will be ok. I wish they wouldn't say anything except they are praying for me.

I wonder what God has in store for me. I believe He has a plan, I guess I would feel a little better if I could catch a glimpse of what is in store. Will I ever bring home a child? Is it not in His will? That is the million dollar question I wish someone could answer!

Birthday Blues

It has been a few days and I've managed to survive without any huge breakdowns. I've also had a lot of company so I haven't had much time to think about Roman. Nights are hard though. I usually have some type of dream about him that wakes me up and I'm unable to go back to sleep. I keep having thoughts that I didn't pray hard enough for him to survive.

My husband treated me to two wonderful days! I am celebrating my 30th birthday today, although I wasn't really in the mood to celebrate. Consequently, my husband knew that shopping was just the thing to cheer me up! He took me to the shoe store and told me to pick out as many shoes as I wanted! I came out of that store with 6 pairs of shoes and 3 purses! We went to breakfast this morning, followed by a manicure and pedicure and then shopping again at WalMart! If it wasn't for the fact that I just had a c-section a week ago, I would have been ready for more.

The few things that really seem to bother me now is the fact that I still have a baby belly and no baby to show for it. Wearing maternity clothes reminds me of being pregnant but I can't fit into any of my other clothes. I can feel my uterus contracting back to its normal size but sometimes it feels like the baby kicking. Lastly, my breasts are still filled with milk so I am feeling let down every so many hours. Sometimes I just want to forget what just happened but these are constant reminders.

Sleep

I finally had a good nights sleep, with the help of a few glasses of wine. The pain from my c-section is starting to wear off as well so I don't feel so bad. I can't help but think about what to do with my life now? I have been so focused on this pregnancy and having this baby that nothing else really mattered. Now, all I can think about is a new exciting career, or the thought of trying again for another child.

The second time around on this journey seems to be a bit easier, but is it too soon to tell? Right now I am bombarded with visitors, phone calls, and cards. I wonder what it will be like when all that slows down. I seem to feel the worst in the middle of the night and in the morning.

I was able to put away all of the shower gifts with the help of my husband and a close friend. I was glad that no one tried to hide it to keep me from being sad. It gives me something to look forward to. I have all the blankets I need for sure!

Today I am going to try and get out and get my hair done and pick out an outfit for the service tomorrow.

The Journey Begins

It has been a few days since the baby passed, thus my grief journey begins. Having lost a daughter a few years ago helps, but can sometimes add fuel to the fire. Each time I've had to pretend that all the babies being born around me make me happy and not angry and jealous. People say that it is ok to express what I feel and to take as long as I need but I bet they would fall out at some of the thoughts I have. People offer me their children and sometimes force them in my lap like that is supposed to be the next best thing!

People are also quick to find uses for my baby's things. Those were gifts for my child and I plan on using them just as soon as my child comes into this world! Sounds so selfish I know. So what! If you haven't guessed, anger and bitterness often accompany grief. This stage will pass, but often the things I am angry about are true! I just won't be so ready to express them once I am little more stable.

I have been thinking about how effortlessly people seem to have children. They have no worries or complications. People don't think twice about buying gifts. They just get pregnant, have the baby, and go home!

I guess I should calm down now. I feel the anger coming on and I am really hurting deep. Is it too much to ask to carry a child to term and bring him or her home? I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to know that it won't take another 4 years to get pregnant and that my whole life won't have to stop in order to carry the baby.

It's funny. My son said he wanted us to have twins next to replace the two we lost. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have him. I agree and I'm not ready to give up either.

All Things Work Together for Good

After thinking about all the events that happened this past week, the scripture Romans 8:28 keeps coming to mind. "All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."

On Monday, April 7th, I was admitted to the hospital because I was having contractions. After a day or so, I was convinced that it was just false labor and that I would make it to the magical "32" weeks my doctors were shooting for. Unfortunately, things continued to progress and by Friday morning, I was delivering my son by c-section.

Roman weighed 1 pound and 5 ounces and he appeared to be doing well. No one could ever really know what was in store but we assumed his journey would be similar to his sister's. We anticipated some bumps in the road but were quite optimistic by the end of Friday.

Saturday morning around 3:30 a.m., one of the doctors from NICU brought us news we weren't expecting to hear. She told us that Roman is not doing well at all and that we should be there in the event something happens. Roman's lungs were in poor condition and causing him to lose his battle. We thought for a moment that he was going to make it over the hump but he was just too tired and we made the decision to let him go.

I have so many mixed emotions about the whole thing. I still trust God and I don't believe my faith waivered. Only He knows what is best for us but it so difficult to accept right now. I coudn't wait to bring him home to become a part of the family.

Will we ever have children from this marriage? Is it even safe for us to get pregnant again? Do we wan't to even go through this again? Can I cope with all of my friends and family members who will be delivering babies soon? I feel hurt, sad, angry, and hopeless. God please be with me on this journey. I will remember your promise in Romans 8:28.

Small Scare

This past Friday I had a wonderful appointment! I never really know what I am going to hear when I go in each week. I can tell the baby is alive because I feel him move, but his development and chances for survival are something different. I prepared myself for the worst and ended up with good news! The baby's amniotic fluid level was really good and his development thus far is ok. I believe he measured a little small but I don't think it was a major concern. My doctor was even optimistic. I left the office that day praising God for the good news.

Later that evening, I noticed a pink discharge when I went to the bathroom and worried that it was the beginning of labor. They always ask if I am having any cramping or bleeding. I went in to labor and delivery that night but everything is still ok. I am no longer seeing pink. I am having a few contractions here and there but I am determined to hold this baby in!

May 28th is the day the c-section is scheduled. Pray with me that we make it to this date!

Still Have Faith

It is April 2nd and I have made it to 24 weeks! I know that I still have a ways to go but I am thankful for each week. My last pregnancy ended at 23 weeks and 6 days so it is a relief to make it past this painful milestone.

This past weekend, my little sister threw me a surprise baby shower! I was so glad she did despite the discouraging remarks some people gave when she passed out the invitations. Some people felt it wasn't "right" to give me a shower since things were so uncertain. I even had some tell me that they don't buy gifts until the baby is here. I'm ok with that but they could have kept that to themselves. Little did they know, it was just what I had been hoping for and just what I needed.

Their gifts for my unborn son showed their faith in God to see this pregnancy through. I needed others to believe with me to increase my faith! I shared with them the story of the paralyzed man and his friends efforts to get him to Jesus to have him healed. It is found in Luke 5:18-20. It wasn't the man's faith but the faith of his friends that impressed Jesus and he was healed.

I will be admitted to the hospital in two and 1/2 weeks until the baby is born. Although I am glad they will be monitoring the baby closely, I know it is going to be even more difficult than being on bed rest at home.

What a story I will have to tell when this is over!

A Talk with my Son

Today my 9 year old son and I were talking about the baby before school. He said that he believes God is just going to be fair and take this baby too since it is a boy. That way, I will only have one boy and one girl alive and one boy and one girl dead. I wasn't sure what to say to him. I just pray to God that this child be the miracle our family is looking for. I wanted to reassure him that this time the baby would live but even I don't know what God has planned.

My cousin came to visit me yesterday and asked what keeps me going. Before I knew it, I was preaching to her about how God answers prayer! I truly believe that while everyone is doubting this child will make it into the world alive, God is going to reveal Hisself to us by delivering this child! I can't lose faith now even though many of my friends and family don't believe that this child is mean't to be.

Fluctuating Amniotic Fluid

While I am still very greatful that God has blessed us with this child, it has not been an uneventful pregnancy! At 12 weeks, I started spotting and thought for sure it was a sign of miscarriage. It stopped after a few days of bed rest and I returned to work reassured! At 14 weeks I ruptured my membranes (my water broke) and I went in to the emergency room.

Once they discovered that I was leaking amniotic fluid, the doctor kept apologizing to me. I had no idea what it meant! After she reassured me that I was "still young", she told me to follow up with my doctor in a week to find out what my options were! I was devastated! I thought for sure the baby would die!

I realize that before 20 weeks gestation, there is not much that can be done to prevent miscarriage. When complications arise, you must go and sit in the emergency room as if you sprained an ankle. It seems as if there is no urgency to attend to the life inside of you. Often, the doctors and nurses are callused toward the situation and show little emotion. I just wish I could go back and teach that doctor the proper way to console patients! Thank God my doctor reassured me that there was still plenty of hope that the baby would be fine!

I went to the doctor yesterday and the fluid was still low but the baby was ok. I am 17 weeks now and still on bed rest and may be admitted between 24 to 26 weeks to monitor the baby's development until delivery. I have such mixed emotions. In a way, I am happy that they are going to watch me closely and almost wish it could be sooner. On the other hand, I have two children at home and that would be an awful long time to leave them alone with my husband. Not to mention the financial strain we are experiencing because I cannot work!

I am still trusting and believing that God will work this out. God provided for us for the last pregnancy and I know He will do it again. I pray that my faith is renewed daily!