It has been a few days since the baby passed, thus my grief journey begins. Having lost a daughter a few years ago helps, but can sometimes add fuel to the fire. Each time I've had to pretend that all the babies being born around me make me happy and not angry and jealous. People say that it is ok to express what I feel and to take as long as I need but I bet they would fall out at some of the thoughts I have. People offer me their children and sometimes force them in my lap like that is supposed to be the next best thing!
People are also quick to find uses for my baby's things. Those were gifts for my child and I plan on using them just as soon as my child comes into this world! Sounds so selfish I know. So what! If you haven't guessed, anger and bitterness often accompany grief. This stage will pass, but often the things I am angry about are true! I just won't be so ready to express them once I am little more stable.
I have been thinking about how effortlessly people seem to have children. They have no worries or complications. People don't think twice about buying gifts. They just get pregnant, have the baby, and go home!
I guess I should calm down now. I feel the anger coming on and I am really hurting deep. Is it too much to ask to carry a child to term and bring him or her home? I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to know that it won't take another 4 years to get pregnant and that my whole life won't have to stop in order to carry the baby.
It's funny. My son said he wanted us to have twins next to replace the two we lost. I don't know where I would be if I didn't have him. I agree and I'm not ready to give up either.
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