Struggling

I am struggling to keep it together! I try and keep from crying so others don't feel uncomfortable but I can't help it. I wake up and go to bed thinking about it. I keep thinking of new questions to ask my doctors about what happened. Everything happened so fast. Maybe I could have held him in a bit longer. Perhaps I should have let the doctors in the NICU do more.

I don't want to become bitter or envious but I feel it coming on. Yesterday my husband was trying to tell me about some friends of ours and how they are struggling to have another child. I didn't want to seem insensitive but their first child survived and they didn't have any problems carrying their child to term! Both of mine are dead! How is that supposed to make me feel better!

I keep thinking about my best friend and how much I want to be there for her and hear all about her pregnancy. I keep thinking about the day when she delivers. I want to be there, but I don't want to be the only one who is sad. This is their day to celebrate life! I guess I have some time to think about all of that.

I'm going to do my best to get through each day. I know in time I will feel better. Right now is horrible. I would give anything not to feel this way. I don't wish everyone's babies dead, but I do wish they had a clue what it felt like!