Going Through

It has been some time since my last post but it is not because I am not still going through. I am battling for my state of mind and for peace in my home! I am also starting to feel inadequate at my job. I feel like there are so many things I should have thought of when other people bring them to my attention or suggest something. I don't know exactly what I should be doing sometimes and I feel I am failing. It is so hard to focus anymore with all this going on in my head. I search on line many times looking for another job but I'm not sure what to look for. I don't even know what I do well besides speak and carry myself professionally. I send out resumes and never get a response.

I feel that I am becoming depressed and I am trying my best to fight it. I have to remind myself to eat most days. The other day I forced myself to eat even though I didn't feel like it. It's funny because my craving for coffee hasn't changed! I've developed a craving for wine as well. I'm sure that can't be good.

I am an emotional wreck! God please come rescue me.

Back to Work

I started back to work on Monday of this week. I have to say that it almost feels as if things are back to normal. I still stop and think how things would have been with Roman. I was planning to work only part time until he was about 6 months or older. It feels like I just took a long vacation. I have the occasional person ask how the baby is doing but it doesn't bother me too much. I worry that I have supressed all my feelings and one day they will come barreling out.

My husband and I have made up and things are peaceful. I find that we are spending more time together than in the past. I would have been too busy or too tired. I hated going to the grocery store but almost enjoy it now. We went last night and laughed at each other the entire time. I am waking up every morning making him lunches for work. He told me he appreciated it and I didn't have to do it anymore but I like talking to him in the morning. Even if it is 4:30 a.m. I just have to get a better schedule for myself because I am dead tired when he leaves but don't want to oversleep for my job.

I guess in all of this, I will take the good with the bad. This has been a good week. I know they won't always be this way, but I can always look back and remember how it can be. I prayed that God would remove my selfishness and help me be a better servant to others. It is not that I didn't like to help anyone else, I just never thought about it or could see the opportunity. My eyes are beginning to open.

Bad Feelings

Well, it's been about three weeks now. I was in Target shopping the other day and a strange feeling came over me when I walked by the maternity clothes and then the baby section. I remember feeling like I was just there. Just a few weeks ago, I would have been shopping for baby items and picking out new and cute maternity tops. I can't believe it is over. I was so close! Just a few weeks away.

I go back to work on Monday. Sometimes I feel like I'm not needed and they are going to find a way to fire me. I've been gone for so long and they were able to do things without me. I'm having a hard time trying to define what I bring to the table. Did I lose my drive?

On top of everything that has been going on, my husband and I had a huge argument. It is funny because a while ago, I imagined myself to be this tough, indepedent woman who wouldn't care if he decided to leave. This time, just the thought of him being away for a short time almost killed me. To add to the chaos, my family got involved and there are some bad feelings lingering.

We are better now although I know that things aren't fixed. I'm sure we are both stressed out and hurting. It is funny how much more you appreciate and how much harder you love when it is in danger of being lost.

I pray that God will bless and protect my family and remove any unnecessary feelings. I seem to think negatively about everything lately.